What to do if…
you need to tell a child that someone close has died and you are in shock

What to do now

1. Get backup before you start, if possible. Text or call one trusted adult and ask them to be present, nearby, or on speakerphone. If you are shaking, feel unreal or detached, or cannot think clearly, you deserve support in the moment.
2. Choose a simple, private place and sit down. Sit near the child, keep your voice as steady as you can, and use a blanket, pillow, or glass of water if it helps you stay grounded.
3. Say one clear sentence first. Say: “I have very sad news. [Name] died.” Then pause and let the child react.
4. Explain “died” in one concrete line, especially for younger children. You can say: “Died means their body stopped working. They cannot breathe, eat, talk, or come back.”
5. Reassure the two things children commonly fear. Say: “You did not cause this. It is not your fault.” Then say: “You are safe right now, and I am here with you.” If you cannot stay, say exactly who will stay with them and when you expect to return.
6. Answer “how” simply, or say you do not know. If you know the basic cause, use a short, non-graphic sentence, such as: “They died because of an illness,” or “They died because their body was hurt very badly.” If you do not know, say: “I do not know yet. When I know what I can tell you, I will.”
7. If your shock makes childcare unsafe, switch to safety mode. Ask the backup adult to take over while you get steady or get help. If you might faint, have chest pain, feel severely confused, cannot stay awake, or feel physically unwell in a way that could be an emergency, call 911.
8. If it is not an emergency but you need urgent help, do not drive yourself if you feel unsafe. Ask another adult to drive or stay with you while you call your doctor’s office, an urgent care clinic, or go to an emergency department.
9. Make the next-hour plan concrete. Decide only where the child will be for the rest of today, who is staying with them, and one basic routine anchor such as food, bath, bedtime, or sitting together quietly.
10. Give one comfort choice. Offer two easy options, such as drawing, a quiet show, a short walk, holding a blanket, sitting together, or calling a familiar person.
11. Notify the child’s school or childcare when you can manage it. Ask for the counselor, social worker, teacher, or director to be aware and to contact you if the child is distressed. If you cannot manage the call, ask a trusted adult to do it for you.
12. Line up one next support contact. If you already have a pediatrician’s office, hospice program, faith leader, community clinic, or bereavement support contact you trust, choose one call or message for the next day or two. You do not need to solve everything tonight.